What to talk about on a first date, and what to skip

The basics

• Ask, then listen. The best follow-up question comes from what they just said, not from the next thing on your list.
• Share back. A good conversation goes both ways. If they tell you about a trip, tell them about one of yours.
• Use what you already know. Their profile and your messages are full of things to pick up again: "You said you'd been learning to surf. How's it going?"
• Keep your phone away. Face down on the table still says "I might need to check this".

Easy questions to start with

Light, open questions that are easy to answer and tend to lead somewhere:

• What does a usual weekend look like for you?
• How did you end up living where you do?
• What's keeping you busy at the moment, outside of work?
• What's the best thing you've eaten lately?
• What are you looking forward to this month?
• If you had a free day tomorrow, beach or bush?

Questions for when it's going well

Fun ones

• What's the best road trip you've done in New Zealand?
• What's a hill you'll die on?
• What did you want to be when you were ten?
• What's your go-to takeaway order?
• If someone gave you a plane ticket tomorrow, where would you go?

A bit deeper

• What's something you've changed your mind about?
• Who are you closest to in your family?
• What's something you're proud of that people wouldn't guess?
• What would make the next few years a good few years for you?

Deeper questions land better once you're both relaxed. If they give a short answer, take the hint and lighten things up again.

Topics to leave for later

Nothing is banned, but some topics are easier once you know each other a bit:

• Exes in detail. A quick mention is fine. A full breakdown of the last relationship isn't first-date material.
• Money and salaries. It can come across as sizing someone up.
• Heated debates. If politics or religion matter a lot to you, it's fair to say so, but a first date is for finding out whether you get on, not for winning an argument.
• Heavy personal history. Share at the pace that feels right, and let them do the same.

If the conversation stalls

• Use your surroundings. The menu, the view, the music, the dog at the next table.
• Go back to something from earlier. "Wait, you never finished the story about the campervan."
• Ask about their profile. A prompt they answered is an easy way back in.
• Change the scene. A short walk after coffee takes the pressure off, and side by side is easier than face to face. Our first date ideas for Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch have places where that's easy.

A pause isn't a disaster either. A few seconds of quiet feels much longer to you than it does to them.

Ending the date well

• If you'd like to see them again, say so. "I've had a really good time. Can I take you for dinner next week?" is clear and kind.
• If you wouldn't, be kind and clear. "It was lovely to meet you" is enough on the night. If they ask about a second date, a short, honest reply is better than going quiet.
• Get home your own way. On a first date, plan your own transport there and back. Our online dating safety guide has more on meeting someone new.

Common questions