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Why "hey" doesn't work
A message like "hey" or "how's your week going?" isn't rude, but it gives the other person nothing to reply to. They have to come up with the whole conversation themselves, and when they've got a few matches to answer, the easiest reply is no reply.
Good first messages have three things in common:
- They're specific. They mention something from the person's profile, so they couldn't have been sent to anyone else.
- They're easy to answer. One light question, not three, and nothing that needs a long explanation.
- They give a little of you. A reaction, an opinion or a bit about yourself makes it a conversation rather than an interview.
A simple formula
Pick one thing from their profile. A photo, a prompt answer or a detail in their bio. The more specific, the better.
React to it. Say what you think, or how it connects to you, in a few words.
Ask one easy question. Something they'll enjoy answering.
Put together, it sounds like this:
Is that Roys Peak in your third photo? I've been putting it off for two summers. Is the view worth the climb?
It's short, it shows you looked at their profile, and it's easy to answer. That's all a first message needs to do.
Examples you can adapt
Swap in the details from the profile in front of you. Copying one word for word won't work as well, because the point is that it's about them.
From a photo
Your dog looks like it has strong opinions. What's its name?
Okay, where's the beach in your second photo? It looks like the West Coast.
Is that you on the start line of a marathon? Respect. Which one was it?
From a prompt
You said the way to win you over is a good book recommendation. Fiction or non-fiction? I need to know what I'm working with.
Your perfect Sunday sounds a lot like mine, minus the 6am run. What time are we talking?
Two truths and a lie: I'm going with the eel story. Am I right?
From their interests
Another tramper. What's the best overnight walk you've done?
You're into baking. What's the thing people always ask you to make?
When there isn't much to go on
Some profiles are thin. Ask about the one thing that is there, or ask something easy and fun to answer:
Your profile's a bit of a mystery, so I'll ask: what does a good weekend look like for you?
Settle something for me: best pie in New Zealand, and where do I get it?
What to avoid
Hey, how's it going?
Your Wellington photos are making me want a weekend down there. Where's the best coffee in the city?
- Comments only about looks. A compliment is nice, but "you're gorgeous" gives them nothing to say back. Pair it with a question about something else.
- The same opener for everyone. People can tell, and copy-and-paste lines rarely get past the first reply.
- An essay. Two or three sentences is plenty. Save the life story for when they've replied.
- Heavy topics straight away. Exes, politics and bad dates can wait.
- Asking to move off the app. Wait until you've talked for a while, or met, before swapping numbers or socials. Someone who pushes for that early is a red flag, and our online dating safety guide explains why.
First messages on Matcha
A few things work a little differently on Matcha:
- Women message first. When a man and a woman match, she has 24 hours to send the first message. In other matches, either person can. Here's how it works.
- Your like can carry a comment. When you like someone's photo or prompt, you can add a comment. If you match, it stays at the top of your chat, so the conversation already has somewhere to start.
- Conversation starters. If you're stuck, a new chat suggests a few openers based on their profile, like a prompt they answered or an interest you share. Send one as it is, or use it as a nudge to write your own.
If they don't reply
It happens to everyone, and it's rarely about you. People get busy, go quiet on apps for a week, or are already seeing someone. One light follow-up is fine:
No pressure, but I'm still waiting on that pie recommendation.
If that doesn't get a reply either, let it go and put your energy into the people who do reply.
Keeping the conversation going
- Answer, then ask. Reply to what they asked and ask something back, so neither of you is doing all the work.
- Follow the thread. The best questions come from their last answer, not from a list.
- Match their pace. If they send two lines, don't send ten.
- Suggest meeting while it's going well. A few days of good messages is usually enough. Our guide to going from chatting to a first date covers when and how to ask.
Common questions
What's a good first message on a dating app?
One that mentions something specific from their profile and asks an easy question about it, like "Is that Roys Peak in your third photo? Is the view worth the climb?"
How long should a first message be?
One to three sentences. Long enough to show you read their profile, short enough to answer quickly.
Are pickup lines a good idea?
Usually not. A cheesy line can work if it's clearly a joke about something on their profile, but a specific question works more often.
Should I follow up if they don't reply?
One light follow-up after a few days is fine. If there's still no reply, move on.
Who sends the first message on Matcha?
When a man and a woman match, she sends the first message, within 24 hours. In other matches, either person can.