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When to ask
There's no perfect number of messages, but a few signs say the time is right:
- The conversation has gone both ways for a few days. You're both asking questions, not just answering them.
- Their replies have some effort in them. More than one word, and sometimes more than you asked for.
- You've found something to do together. A café you both like, a walk they mentioned, a food you're both into.
Don't wait weeks. A chat that drags on without a plan tends to fizzle, and you'll learn more in an hour over coffee than in a month of messages.
What to say
Be specific. A vague invitation is easy to agree with and never act on.
We should hang out sometime.
Want to get a coffee on Saturday morning? You still owe me that pie recommendation.
A good ask has three things: something to do, a rough time and a bit of warmth. A few more ways to say it:
I'm really enjoying talking to you. Want to carry this on over a drink this week?
You've convinced me I need to try that dumpling place. Free on Thursday night?
Coffee and a walk on Sunday? I'll let you pick the café.
Make it easy to say yes
- Keep it short. Coffee or a drink, an hour or so. It's an easy yes, and easy to extend if it's going well.
- Pick somewhere public. A café, bar or restaurant, not someone's home.
- Make it fair to get to. Somewhere roughly halfway means neither of you has the long trip.
- Leave room for another time. "If this week's busy, next week works too" takes the pressure off.
Planning it on Matcha
Tap Plan a date in your chat. It's at the top of every conversation with a match.
Choose coffee, drinks or food, a day and a time. You can plan up to two weeks ahead.
Matcha finds a spot about halfway. You pick your suburb or town, never an address, and your match never sees it.
Send it. It arrives in your chat as a date card, and they can accept, decline or suggest a different place or time.
Planning a date is free, and works for matches up to 150 km apart. More about meeting in the middle.
If they say no, or not yet
Take it well. "Not this week" can just mean not this week, so if they suggest another time, great. If they're vague twice, they're probably telling you something, and it's fine to let it go.
If they don't reply to the invitation at all, one light follow-up is enough. After that, put your energy into the people who are keen.
Before you go
- Tell a friend where you're going. The date card has the place and time in one spot, so it's easy to share.
- Sort your own transport. Get yourself there and home.
- Trust your gut. If something feels off before the date, it's fine to cancel. Our online dating safety guide covers red flags and meeting for the first time.
Nervous about what to say once you're there? Here's what to talk about on a first date.
Common questions
How many messages before asking someone out?
There's no set number. Once you've had a few days of good back-and-forth and you're both asking questions, it's a good time to suggest meeting.
Who should ask who out?
Either of you. On Matcha, she sends the first message when a man and a woman match, but after that either person can suggest a date.
What's a good first date?
Something short and public, like coffee or a drink. It's easy to say yes to, and easy to extend if it's going well.
Should I ask for their number first?
Many people prefer to keep chatting in the app until they've met. If you'd like their number, ask, and take no for an answer without any fuss.